STFU, Marrieds

mattaliabadi:

Just Married: Groom Changes Facebook Relationship Status at the Altar

Everybody involved with this should be murdered. The bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen, the ring-bearer, and anyone else in this room who can name more than one of the participants in this marriage by their full name — should get Indira Gandhi’d in the most extreme way possible. The church itself should be broken down and turned into low-income housing for people who’s chronic bowel-control problems keep them from holding down gainful employment, thus turning every square inch of the building into the potential squat-spot of a man or women who has long since ceased entertaining even the notion of trying to find the nearest bathroom. False accusations of molestation should be leveled against the priest, and he should have to move to a town whose mayor is determined by who can go the longest without jerking off to the town’s one piece of way-outdated pornography. The groom should be tricked into having sex with his daughter, like in Old Boy.

As for Future Mrs. FradulentExcuseForAHuman… you poor girl. You didn’t want this. This isn’t the scenario you played out with your dolls when you were twelve. If you asked me to mercy kill you, I’d have a moral imperative to do so. I wouldn’t enjoy it. But you’ve lost your way. You’ve been lead so far off the path of legitimate human existence that you’ve forgot which direction the trail is. I’m pretty sure that at around 30 seconds into this video, you realize you’d never find the trail again. You’d be left to scour the barren wastes of your post-marital life for frayed scraps of happiness, little uncharacteristically merciful gifts from a god who has otherwise given you nothing but an expansive vocabulary to describe your own misery.

Bottom line: something bad should happen to everything and everyone in this video. If this whole thing was a person, I would tremble with delight at the sight of its slack, lifeless legs casting a lifeless shadow over an overturned pottery barn stool, slowly swinging back an forth like the pendulum of an ill-constructed grandfather clock slowly running out of momentum.